When I was 17 years old. my Father took a massive heart attack and died in my arms. I didn't know how to revive him, and when my Mother came into the room she just got on her knees and began to pray. I then felt like I had killed him in a way, because I couldn't do what my Brother had done previously, which was to revive him and save his life. Then I was forced out the room by undertakers who wanted to take him away, but I was refusing to leave him. Later in the week, men in uniforms carried his coffin into the crematorium and that was the only memory I had about the funeral. Guilt began to eat into my very being, even although that guilt was misplaced. Within a short while, I was arguing all the time with my Mother because we were both grief stricken, and because my Mother had what was called then nerves, (now it's called depression), and she was medicated, leaving me with nobody to talk to.
I now understand that from that day onward, my heart had a huge hole in it, and I kept trying to fill it with love, but kept choosing the wrong people to fill it with.
When I was 30 I married a divorced man with two boys. I fell pregnant after 5 years and we were rather shocked as I had previously been told I couldn't have children. That began my Motherhood, and two grandchildren for my now newly married Mother. The next 4 years on, from carrying my first baby in my stomach to my Mothers wedding, were the happiest in my life. It was to be short lived.
My Mother became very ill, in pain, and was constantly tired. For about a year and a half, the hospital kept telling her there was nothing wrong with her. On Christmas Eve she was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. That night she made me promise to go to my Sisters Christmas Party the next day, and in protest we went. That night in the kitchen as my Sister pulled the mince pies out the oven, she told me she had Lung Cancer, and without a breath, said she thought my Mother had a tumour hiding behind an organ. She was a nurse, and I realised that she may be right. Not only was I devastated about her news, but now my Mother also.
Then began the visits to the hospital, where my Mother was to stay for the next year, and of course now the hospital was admitting that she had ovarian cancer, and it had been there for some time. I occasionally would visit my sister who was receiving Chemotherapy an hour away from where we stayed. Every night and most days I would be at the hospital with my Mother. In the afternoons I would take my kids with me, then when my husband wasn't away, he would watch them at night and I would go alone. When I would get home the phone would start and never stop until about 10.30pm. Even although I would say "I'll let you know if there's any change," everyone still phoned. We were totally exhausted. Four weeks later, the hospital said my Mother could go home for a little while, and she called to say she couldn't get my step dad on the phone and could I bring clothes for her. When we arrived at her house, I went in first, only to find my Step dad lying covered in blood, he had had a stroke. We ended up following the ambulance back to the same hospital that she had just left, and he died 3 days later.
My Mother went back into hospital after the funeral.
In July we had to bring my Mother out of the hospital to attend her Mothers funeral. My Grandmother had died of old age.
In November of that same year, my sister died. This time when we brought my Mother out for her funeral, the same black coat she had been wearing to the funerals, suddenly seemed to be huge upon her, now she had become so thin.
For weeks just after Christmas, my Mother was unconscious and we kept being called in as "this was it". However "this is it" went on and on, until the day when I spoke out loud to her saying, "If that's right squeeze my hand twice". I almost jumped to the other side of the room when she "AGREED" by squeezing my hand. That was to be my last communication because my Brother sent me home for a rest and some dinner and when I returned she had passed over. I was furious that she had gone without me being with her and carried that resentment for many many years. There was also the issue of what she had heard during her unconscious period , and the matter of what she chose to do, by leaving while I wasn't there. Now I understand that she left because that was easiest, as I would have made it really difficult for her to leave the planet, howling on her and begging her not to go.
BEWARE : Unconscious people still may be able to hear you.
For years I suppressed anger and sorrow brought about after people died and left my life. I felt for a long time that people who love me always go away (die). My dreams had been shattered and I had been left with the 'What could have been' and there was nobody to talk to about my heartache and broken dreams. I had to "get on with it" for the sake of my children and my ex-husband (at least that's what people told me I had to do), and my low self esteem told me that THEY (whoever THEY were) must know better than me, and so - that's what I did. I buried the anger resentment and absolute sorrow and heartache, and it soon began to show in my body, and agitated state.
About six months after everyone died, I began to realise that I needed to change. I realised that I couldn't do everything myself. I also, through making lots of mistakes, realised that other people couldn't fill that hole in the soul.
It appeared that the only thing that didn't have to live up to my expectations - was a belief in a higher consciousness. Because of my strict religious upbringing I didn't want to believe in the God of fury sending me to hell at the age of five! So I began to believe that there was a Universal Energy and began to meditate.
Soon I found that I could see big white halo's around people heads and while meditating in a group they would all be enclosed in a huge white light. I then began to learn about Auras (white light or colours around everyone). I discovered that certain people could (read) these auras. Then I started to learn about Chakras. These were the energy centres in our bodies which balance our body mind and soul.
During this time I began to listen to visualisations and they worked best of all to get me into a relaxed frame of mind. And so I began to learn more, and studied the effects and benefits of visualisation. Once I began sharing this experience with others, their experience showed me how much it was helping and I began to see the benefits of shifting resentments anger and sadness from the body.
I discovered that when the Chakras were working properly the body became healthier and the mind worked better, helping concentration and bringing peace and contentment.
My dream is to introduce that concept to anyone who feels, they are ready to change, even if it is just for a moment or a day, when we are willing to learn and change, the teacher will appear.